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Hello,

All posts will be done at this address from now on:

https://wallywinterborn.wordpress.com/

Thank you.

Chrysalis

I am leaning with my back against the hard wall behind me, somehow I can't get comfortable enough, never could. Annoyed by the roughness of the walls surrounding me and the floor underneath me, I turn to my left side, with my knees up to my chin.
This is my home now, my cocoon that I've created long time ago to protect this little light of mine. The darkness disperses around me once I take out the small globe of light that floats in my hand. I bring it closer to my chest, its warmth embracing me, this is all I've got left.
I'm feeling at peace in this isolated place, I know that one day I will be ready to get out.
"Are you there?" a whisper broke the silence.
I turn my head around, searching for the source of this voice, it must be from the outside of my chrysalis.
"Who is there?" I answer, my voice trembling.
"It's me, your oldest friend, you have to let me in now."
"I don't remember you, I don't have any friends." I pulled myself even closer to the wall besides me.
"Oh? You mean to say that you forgot who you turned to every time you were broken? Every time that you had no one to talk to?" the voice turned all of a sudden into a light growl and my heart froze in an instant.
It was him, the darkness I've build this cocoon to protect myself from.
"Please go away!" was all I managed to shout in that moment.
"It seems to me you are very emotional now. You know we used to be a team, I am still your trustful friend, confide in me what it is that troubles you."
"I have nothing to tell you..." was all that I managed to say.
Strong winds started to swirl all around my cocoon and I felt as the darkness thickened.
"Are you still mad at me my dear friend? I know we went too far last time but in my defense it's just a scar now." the persuasive voice rang all around me.
Hearing that, I covered grabbed my left wrist, feeling self-conscious about the wound on it.
"It was meant to be just a distraction from the paint I felt inside, but you just pushed it more!" I shouted at the walls.
"You did nothing you didn't want to, I just gave you the little push you needed."
And he was right.
"Please go away..." I begged slowly.
"I feel like you don't really mean that... I am everything you ever were, how will you survive without me?"
"I will learn and I have my little light to guide me now." I stated bravely.
All of a sudden the chrysalis started to shake, something from outside punching violently the walls.
"You ungrateful little human! Don't you dare deny me now!" the voice rang in my ears. "I know you want to join me, to lose yourself again in this vortex of darkness and float into nothingness."
For a second I considered his offer. My heart froze and I stared blankly at the wall in front of me. As I was about to respond, the light in my arms pulsed strongly warming me even more.
"I won't give in now, even if it will mean that I will perish now!" I shouted, embracing the little globe of light even stronger.
"You are nothing without me! Nothing!" the voice raged everywhere.
I looked up, ready to face the darkness once and for all "I will become so much more without you."

A glass of wine with Death

"So, are you ready?"
"No... I don't think so", I stuttered, "I wasn't expecting this, to be honest."
I was sitting at a table for two, face to face with a man and a glass of red wine in front of me.
"Well, what did you think it would happen? That a red demon or a skeleton of some sorts with a scythe will come to take you?" replied the man, staring at me with his eyebrow raised.
"To be honest, yes. I performed a ritual to summon Death to take me away, now I'm seated at a table with a glass of wine in front of me." I was clenching my fists in my lap, nervous about this unexpected result.
"That would be just rude of me, don't you think? Not to mention that the inelegance of the apparition
 you just described." To say that his nonchalance was shocking is an understatement. He took a sip from the glass in front of him, the red wine slightly coloring his pink lips.
"You're Death then?" I asked shyly, spreading my hands on the table.
"I am. You summoned me, so here I am.Tell me young man, this isn't the first time you've thought of me or desired my presence, what made you go further now with your wish?"
He spoke in an elegant manner, his voice like black velvet surrounding me, then he touched my hand with just the tip of his finger. Cold chills ran deep into my body, right into my soul, making my anxiety disappear for the moment and offering me comfort. I lifted my head and stared mesmerized at his eyes darker than the pitch black night.
"Isn't it obvious? I want to die." I responded, staring at him blankly.
"You're gonna have to expand on that response my dear, we're not in a hurry after all." chuckled the Death. "Also, please don't insult me any further and toast with me this glass of fine wine, don't let it go to waste."
Taken aback by his remark, I lifted the glass and the clinking sound filled the room. Still a bit nervous, I tasted the wine, feeling refreshed by it's sweet taste and strong aroma.
"Not bad, right?" asked the man, winking. "Now, let's get back to that response of yours."
He tilted his head to his left, waiting for me to talk.
"What more is there to say? I don't want to live anymore, I'm bored of trying to find reasons to remain alive and really, nothing seems to be worth my time anymore."
"Hm, aren't we a bit arrogant." His mocking response annoyed me a bit.
"Why are you even asking me these questions? You should've known since I've summoned you about my reasons, I wasn't aware this would be a full on interrogation." I said, crossing my legs.
He brushed his messy dark brown hair with one hand, clearly not impressed by snappy attitude. "Now now, don't be rude. The reason why I'm asking you this is because I've sensed with that one touch that you don't really desire this. And to tell you the truth, no one really does."
I sighed, staring at him, somehow the serenity of his expression put me at ease. After examining the features of his face, I took another sip from the glass of wine.
Feeling the sweetness of the wine, I've asked finally "Let me ask you the question on everyone's mind, do heaven and hell exist? And which one will welcome me?"
"My dear boy..." he responded, taking my hand into his, "how naive of you think that you have a choice. Your soul, your everything belongs to me."
"So hell it is then?" I chuckled.
"Who knows?" he lifted his shoulders, "wherever we go it will be interesting nonetheless."
"I take it I'm to return now?" I asked disappointed.
The tone of sadness in my voice caught his interest, "What is there to lose if you do?"
"I just don't know if it will make any difference if I go with you now or let's say in ten years from now. What will make me change my mind?" I looked into his eyes.
"Money, love, a brilliant career, I don't know. Read some cliche books to learn how to live, learn Japanese, how to dance tango, make a plan, the list could go on."
"This was part of my plan." I said, like it wasn't obvious.
"Just because you made a plan, it doesn't make it right, nor does it justify your selfish gesture." he whispered, lifting my chin.
Somehow my conviction was dwindling the more I was talking with him. He must've felt the same, as he flashed a wide smile "Do you still want to come with me?"
I was longing to see the interesting things he'd promised me, to let myself get carried away by his charisma, however I wasn't certain I was ready in that moment.
"Maybe one day Death, but not today." I responded, getting up from my chair.
"I'm looking forward to that day."
His gentle face was the last thing I saw before closing my eyes.

Chains

I wake up all of a sudden. I blink slowly, staring at the white ceiling. Judging from the intensity of the light in my room, I realize it’s morning already. Turning around, I find my cellphone and it reads 6:57AM.

Sigh... in three minutes the clock alarm will ring. I get up from my bed and I stand with my head between my hands, rubbing my face gently. I can feel it already; it will be one of those days.

And then I feel the pain again, the piercing pain in my chest. Sometimes it feels like a rock, other times like venom. I push my hand against it, I want to make it stop. To cut my insides with a knife and throw this rock out, to vomit it, anything it takes, just so it won’t hurt anymore.

The alarm rings and I hit the "Stop button“.

My head feels cloudy and my eyes hurt a bit, I haven’t had a good a good night of sleep in ages. I sit in my chair, open up my laptop and I begin my daily ritual: browsing the social networks and reading the news. It’s 7:15, time to get ready for work.

I brush my teeth, my face, then I dress myself up and I get out the door at 7:30, just in time to catch the bus.

At 7:40 the bus leaves as always, I put my earphones in, press "Play“ on my phone, listening to the same old songs and I fall asleep for the duration of the ride, waking up once in a while.

Forty minutes later I arrive at work, this building in the middle of nowhere. It’s sunny outside, skies are blue, birds are chirping and all that, however I’m not feeling any of it.

With a mopey look on my face, I walk in the office, saying "Good morning“ to all my colleagues.

Everyone responds to my greeting, I head to my desk where I open my computer and start setting everything up for this work day.

I look around to see my colleagues, each one with its own morning ritual and suddenly I feel the anxiety kicking in. My heartbeat rises, breathing intensifies and chest pounds harder than ever.

This is my everyday feeling.

I breathe deep and start working on my tasks. Nothing out of the ordinary. Every 5 minutes I look in the corner of my eye to see if the colleagues I usually hang out with, left for a coffee break yet.

They ask each other with loud voices if they’re ready to leave, yet they never asked me. After all these months, I still don’t feel like I truly belong here, yet I’ve started to accompany them on breaks or hangouts, whether they liked it or not. I guess my shyness never really bothered them, as most of the times I just sit there and smile at their jokes and stories.

I’ve bought my usual coffee, it’s not something I particularly enjoy, but it alright.

Again, the same stories from them about their days went by, TV shows they watch and so on. Of course, the question about why I’m so quiet comes up.

I never know what to answer, I got used to just shrug my shoulders, smile and hope they’ll change the subject.

People wandered sometimes what’s going on in my head. Sometimes they just thought that I’m just too stupid to say something or that I’ve behaving like an anti-social.

Whatever, I don’t care.

But sometimes I do.

It bothers me, this incapacity of mine to control my feelings and thoughts. I’ve always changed my mind about relatively small stuff, but when it comes to my inner thoughts, it’s a mess.

I’ve never felt so confused in my life about what I want, what it feels right for me.

There is one thought that stuck with me for the last couple of years: suicide.

I know, a very relatable and, frankly, a boring subject in this period.

Maybe I should do it this time. It’s my decision to make, I should be selfish for once.

No. Think about the people in your life, how they’re going to be affected by this.

Why should I? It’s my life, I get to do whatever I want with it.

Yes, but your meaning it’s to get the most of your life. Enjoy the little things, take risks, make memories.

Yes, this is but one example of what happens in my head, as I smile at one of your stories.

Once I’m back at my desk, the storm in my head begins. Clouds gather around my brain and no matter what I do, I just can’t snap out of it.

And so I begin to search for the easiest way to commit suicide. First result: pills. Why am I not surprised?

Which pills, what dosage, how can I be sure I won’t vomit them, that they will be lethal?

These are the answers I want, not quotes about how life is beautiful and psychologists recommendations.

Sighing, I move on to my next question. Where can I find a place to die, that no one will ever find my body? It seems like such place does not exist.

Ugh, why is it so difficult to do this? And why am I here? I should be in a deep cave, slashing my wrists and intoxicating myself with pills and alcohol.

Coward. Useless, spoiled brat.

I download a book, that hopefully I can relate to it. It’s about a woman so bored with her life that she decides to cheat on her husband and she has suicidal thoughts.

Ten pages into it, I can’t help but think "What a stupid book.“

I start browsing the internet, so I can take my mind of this haunting thought. But I should it, a bit of hurt for the peace I‘m longing for.

My psychologist asked me in my previous meetings "What is like to be happy? How will I know that I achieved what I want ?“

I didn’t know what to answer. All I know is that I want these thoughts out of my head and to feel at peace with myself. But happiness...

Exhaustion, restlessness, confusion, I got accustomed to them.

I open the drawer of my desk and I take out the meds for my treatment. These two white pills should calm the storm inside my head, however lately they’ve become pretty useless.

They’ve worked in the first weeks, but now I feel even more tired.

A couple of hours late, I’m home. Everything’s as usual, clothes thrown all around, empty bottles of water sitting around and snacks near my laptop.

After changing my clothes and eating something, I spend the next hours playing some computer games and listening to music.

I almost feel catatonic. I stare with a vacant look at my screen, not paying attention to what I’m doing.

My chest hurts again, and I want to scream.

This is not fair. I don’t deserve this.

Maybe I should do it after all ...

Automatically, I get in bed at 11:00 PM and I turn around, waiting to fall asleep.

My mind goes to places, skipping from one thought to another, imagining how it would feel like to just let it go already.

Perhaps one day I will be liberated, one way or another.

We will take you down with us

“Shh… stop struggling, your efforts are in vain.”
She had green eyes, full of tears, white skin that was bruised now and red lips that completed her angelic face. Muffled screams begged for survival as I kept strangling her and it was music to my ears.
My right hand was wrapped around her neck in a tight grip while I was exploring her body with my left one. Smooth skin, without imperfections and perfectly round breasts composed the body of a Greek goddess.
I was feeling immortal, having all this control over her life. Watching her with my eyes wide open and feeling thirsty for more power, I undressed myself and penetrated her with one powerful thrust. Her body convulsed in that moment, as I was succumbing to that wonderful feeling.
I was her God in that moment, her life was in my hands and I could decide the moment she would die. She was a weak human being, the weak lived to be devoured by the strong ones and that night I feasted.
Exhilarated, I kept thrusting inside of her, while looking at her as an animal would look at his prey. Her horrified face was asking me “Why, why is this happening to me?”. My lips curled in a big smile as I widened my eyes even more and I licked her lips, tasting the fear. There is nothing more thrilling than having your prey tremble in fear as you devour it.
“Are you scared? Do you wish you would just die already?” I started whispering into her ear. Her face was all red as I tightened my grip even more and streams of tears flooded her face.
“This is just the beginning of your hell tonight.” I said lastly, after knocking her out with one powerful hit.
She woke up later, slowly blinking. The realization of where she was quickly sunk into her, as she tried to scream again and move.
Unfortunately for her, this would not be possible.
I walked next to her, touching her body with my fingers. She was laying naked on a table, tied up and tubes inserted into her body to drain her blood.
“Your death will be a slow one, however it will just feel like falling asleep. You should be thankful for this, vermin.” I said as I was tracing the shape of her body. “You can struggle all you want, scream and beg for help.”
I took out the sock from out of her mouth and she gasped for air.
“Please God, help me!” she screamed, looking desperately around the room.
‘There is no God for you now! There is no one here to help you now. I AM YOUR ONLY GOD NOW!” I screamed, grabbing her face into my hands as I pressed my face against hers.
“I am the one you should be begging for mercy! I am the one you should be praying to!” I yelled, with bloodshot eyes, wide open.
I stuck the sock back into her mouth. Didn’t this common human being knew that her life was mine now? This weakling will soon learn her place into this world and serve her purpose.
She kept crying and tried to scream, not knowing why this world had forsaken her. I sighed in disgust looking at her, nobody will remember her miserable existence.
I sat in my chair, enjoying the process of her blood being drained into bottles. There was nothing more exquisite than watching life being taken away from someone, nothing more thrilling than knowing that you have control over what happens next, that with one press of a button you could save or kill.
Her struggle calmed eventually as she succumbed to her death. I unplugged all the tubes and lifted her body, taking it into my yard. The chilling night was in full effect, stars shinning into the dark sky and wind ruffling the trees’ leaves.
A hole was dug next to a tree and there I threw her body into it. She died like a weak human being, devoured by me and her body will be eaten by worms, leaving nothing for this world to remember of her existence. After burying her body, I went back inside where I collected the bottles full of blood.
The very essence of life rests into these containers. I slipped my finger inside one of the bottles then licked the blood off it. Chills ran down my spine and my heart drummed in an insane rhythm. Her fear, her wish to live were still lingering in her sweet blood. This ever powerful feeling that possessed me, I wanted more and more of it, to loose myself in it.
The next day I woke up as the sun shone into my room and the alarm clock rang. After washing my face, I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Was that the face of a monster or the face of a god? I could not decide, nor did I care, I was satisfied.
Afterwards I went out, to perform my chores and take care of my garden. My precious garden… with so many roses in it. These are the most beautiful roses, white with red stripes on the petals or blood stains, they stand out proud in my yard.
Taking the watering can, I began to water them. Only it wasn’t water that was coming out, instead it was blood. These plants would never have been so special with water, so my hunt for weak victims had a double meaning as it fulfilled my desire to dominate and kill and it created these wonderful plants.
Seeing these flowers tremble in the rain of blood that is pouring over them exhilarated me.
The chore was done shortly and I couldn’t help but feel pride for my creation. In one split second I lifted my head and saw a figure standing next to the fence of my yard. Taking a closer look I recognized the person immediately, the woman I killed last night.
She was standing still, staring right through me and asking: “Why? Why did I have to die? Answer me!”
Fear paralyzed me in an instant, this couldn’t be real. She was dead, I buried her with my own hands, she was rotting in my yard right now. I tried to mutter something and I moved my head for a second in the direction of her resting place, but the earth was still as I left it. When I looked back where her figure was standing, she was no longer there.
I was trembling with fear, this wasn’t right, maybe it was just a hallucination, I blamed her blood at that moment.
The night came soon as I kept myself busy writing the whole day to forget about what happened that morning and feeling more calm, I went to bed.
I made myself comfortable, trying to fall asleep and all of a sudden I felt a cold hand wrapped around my leg, dragging me out of the bed. I opened my eyes, shocked, looking around, trying to figure out what was happening, who was there.
Standing near my bad, I pressed my back against it, trying to see something in the darkness around me. Sweat was dripping down my face and I could hear my heartbeat when strong, neon lights hit my face, blinding me.
A hand covered my mouth all of in a split second and I couldn’t move. Her face was against mine and I could see her hollow eyes piercing my soul. I was petrified, I could taste the dirt as she pushed her hand even more against me and worms crawled inside my mouth.
“Where is your god now, predator?” she hissed in my ear, then licked the side of my face.
Cold chills were sent down my body, and I kept trembling, unable to move. This is how it felt to be powerless? To be prey and be consumed? But she was dead, I killed her!
My eyes were wide opened and I could feel the worms moving, making their way inside my body. She was gazing at me with a satisfied look, then the lights flashed again and she disappeared.
I started to breathe heavily and I looked around me, panicked and terrified that she still might be there.
Why was this happening? I consumed her, I soiled the dirt with her blood, her body was food for worms now!
I ran into the bathroom, staring at the mirror. There was no trace of her presence, no dirt, no worms, nothing. Was it all in my imagination? Was it real? I smashed the mirror, scratching my hand with the shards. Swearing and crying uncontrollably, I hurried into my garden, at the spot where I knew her body was buried.
I felt like I was going into a berserker state, shouting and unearthing her body with my bare hands. After hurling the earth and hurting my hands, I had found her body. Worms here moving in and out of her eyes and her skin was pale and from the smell, you could tell that she started to rot.
“You’re here, dead!” I screamed and started to laugh. “It was all in my head, you cannot hurt me!”.
I spitted on her body then I buried her again. After that, I went back into my house, feeling satisfied yet very confused. Standing in the middle of my house, I felt many presences around and as I looked around, I saw all of them standing in a circle around.
All the women I’ve ever killed.
They were there, standing still and looking at me with rotten eyes, eaten flesh. The smell of decay was all around me, I felt intoxicated.
In a moment of madness, I took a can of gasoline and sprayed a circle around me and lit it. Fire surrounded me, lighting the room and they took a step back.
“Ha! You cannot touch me, vermin! I won, I will live forever, marking this world and getting rid of weaklings!” I started to shout crazily. I was shaking, feeling the smoke choking me and the flames drawing closer and closer to me.
In that instant I saw their faces smile and I realized that that was what they wanted, for me to be burnt at stake.



Epilogue

The next day on the streets of Halley, a strong breeze was carrying a newspaper. As it finally settled, on the main page, the article read:
“A huge tragedy occurred last night in the city asylum, as fire engulfed the entire building, burning it to ashes. There were no survivors as all 5 caretakers and 25 patients died in this arson. It is believed that the fire originated from the room of renowned criminal, Axel Casen, known to have murdered 15 women, becoming this way the most feared person this country ever known. Authorities are still investigating how this incident took place and how this psychopath retrieved the items to start the arson.”

Unleashed - 4 -

Nimic nu ma poate pregati pentru ce se va intampla in noaptea asta. Cu mintea goala de ganduri, intru in primul club ce il gasesc doar pentru a uita pentru o noapte de tot.

Muzica asurzitoare, aerul intoxicant, mirosul de alcool si de transpiratie ... Ajung cinci minute pentru a ameti si a intra in atmosfera din locul acesta. Incerc sa imi fac loc printre oamenii ce danseaza frenetici, fara pic de control.

Dupa ceva efort depus, cateva coate date in stanga si in dreapta, ajung la bar unde comand pahar dupa pahar de vodka, nu are rost sa pierd timpul prea mult, trebuie sa imi amortesc creierul repede, altfel o sa plec cat mai curand din locul asta, realizand ce idee absurda a fost sa vin aici in primul rand.

Ah, arde, cat de tare arde alcoolul asta nenorocit. Nu ezit prea mult si mai torn un pahar pe gat si simt cum imi amortesc buzele, gura, gatul. Bun, isi face efectul dorit, in curand voi amorti cu totul.

Privind in gol la multimea dezlantuita, simt cum o mana ma ia de gat si o voce cum imi urla in ureche:

- Prietene, ce faci aici ? De cand nu ne-am mai vazut !

Privesc surprins in stanga mea si il vad pe un vechi amic ce abia se tine pe picioare de beat ce este, cum ranjeste stupid la mine

Strang mainile cu el si afisez si eu un zambet la fel de tamp ca al lui.

- Salutare omule. Bine, am venit sa ma distrez un pic, tu ce cauti aici ? Deja vad ca te distrezi.

- Da, este ziua unui coleg de munca. Daca ai venit sa te distrezi, ai venit la locul potrivit. Hai, vino incoace cu noi.

Fara timp sa protestez, sunt tras de el spre multimea ce ne inghite pe amandoi. Slava domnului ca nu mi-a dat drumul la mana si a continuat sa ma traga spre el, altfel jur ca as fi murit sufocat printre toti acei oameni.

Ajungem la o masa plina de oameni ce stau jumatate lesinati pe canapea.

Dupa cateva minute de introduceri inutile, cred ca am auzit doar 2-3 nume si alea sigur gresit iar lor nu le-au pasat sa auda cum ma numesc, sunt asezat langa ei.

In ce naibii m-am bagat, habar nu am ce vorbesc astia, fumeaza ca turcii si glumesc pe cele mai cretine subiecte.

Incerc sa inspir adanc insa tusesc imediat, firar cu locul asta. Iar apoi simt cum simturile imi amortesc, totul incepe sa se invarta usor in jurul meu, gura imi amorteste complet si deodata glumele lor incep sa mi se para amuzante.

- Apropo prietene, a fost buna gluma aia postata pe facebook ca te sinucizi, ne-am amuzat cu totii pe treaba asta.

Pe moment nu realizez de unde s-a auzit asta insa ma uit in stanga mea si il vad pe amicul meu ranjind ca un idiot.

- Da, a fost una buna, iti dai seama ce ar fi fost daca chiar as fi facut treaba asta? raspund eu in speranta ca poate renunta la subiectul asta.

- Haha, numai un pampalau si-ar pune capat zilelor, un fraier si o mizerie ce face umbra degeaba pamantului.

- Asa e, reusesc sa spun sec.

Aerul fierbinte ma sufoaca si sunt plin de transpiratie, trebuie sa ies afara. Abia reusesc sa ma ridic si sa imi gasesc un echilibru si cu chiu cu vai reusesc sa imi fac loc pana afara.

Ma rezem de perete si privesc sus insa nimic, nici o stea, asta-i partea proasta cu orasele bine iluminate.

Intrun final pot respira adanc si privesc in jur la toti oamenii din jurul meu. Toti vin aici ori pentru a uita de o zi de stres la munca, ori pentru a uita cu totul de ei. Alcool, droguri, sex, orice pentru a uita pentru cateva momente cat de mizerabila e viata lor.

Atunci cum naibii se face ca in cazul meu nu functioneaza? De ce sunt inca atat de lucid ? 

- De ce ai plecat ma ? Ai pierdut atatea glume bune !

Deja stiu de unde se aude iar vocea asta nesuferita.

- A trebuit doar sa iau putin aer, simteam ca ma sufoc acolo.

- Hai sa mergem inapoi, a adus un amic de-al meu ceva bun de fumat, si ma apuca de bratul abia bandajat. Simt o durere ascutita pe tot latul bratului si il lovesc pentru a-mi da drumul.

Imi apuc bratul pentru a-mi calma durerea si apoi am vazut momentul realizarii pe chipul lui.

- Tu chiar ai incercat sa te sinucizi ma ? Ce naiba e in capul tau ? Stiu ca e greu uneori, cu viata, cu familia, cu iubita dar nu faci dinastea, vii sa vorbesti cu prietenii tai !

Tonul lui condamnator a fost ultimul lucru care imi lipsea in seara aia.

- Stii ? Cum naiba ai putea sa stii ? Unde dracului ai fost in tot acest timp ? Aici, in gaura asta de gunoi cu toti retardatii aia plini de droguri si bautura, facand misto de oamenii ca mine? Am incercat sa vorbesc cu cineva, am ajuns in stadiul in care sa postez pe nenorocitul de facebook mare si clar ca imi voi lua zilele iar voi o luati ca pe o gluma ? Pe ce lume traiti ? Cand un om mizerabil ca mine, in ultimul stadiu al disperarii, incearca din rasputeri sa ceara ajutor, voi il luati in ras iar apoi mai aveti si tupeul sa veniti sa ma condamnati ca nu am incercat. Sa va duceti dracului cu totii cu ajutorul vostru !

Doamne, ce naiba a fost cu mine, rasuflu ca un maniac, insa ma simt bine, ca am putut spune cuiva toate astea.

Sundown - 3 -

Desi sunt terifiat de faptul ca voi ajunge in curand acasa, merg tot mai repede, sperand ca drama ce ma asteapta o sa ma faca sa uit de intalnirea noastra. Inima-mi bate tot mai tare si rasuflu ca un nebun cu privirea fixata inainte insa nu acord atentie la nimic in jurul meu.

Ma simt ca un fost drogat ce a luat iarasi o mica doza din lucrul ce il extazia inainte si il trimitea pe culmile fericirii.

Am ajuns in fata usii intr-un final. Imi scutur capul, respir adanc si imi fac curaj sa intru in casa. Pasesc inauntru iar la masa sunt mama si tata ce-si beau cafeaua linistiti.

- Mama, tata, am ajuns, reusesc sa spun cu glasul infundat.

Doar tata isi intoarce privirea spre mine si incep sa respir tot mai sacadat la ce ma asteapta.

- Era si cazul, ai terminat cu joaca de-a victima ? Data viitoare te rugam sa te asiguri ca duci macar treaba asta pana la capat, lasa prosteala si nu ne mai face de ras.

In momentul acela am simtit cum pamantul m-a cuprins si am ramas doar o statuie in fata lor. Doar asta reprezentam, o mana de pamant ce trebuia sa se intoarca de unde a venit.

Nu am reusit sa spun nimic, m-am fortat sa ma misc de-acolo cat mai repede in camera mea.

Ma trantesc in pat si privesc tavanul. Cand naiba am ajuns in iadul asta ? Sunt momente in care te gandesti cat de diferita ar fi fost viata mea daca la momentul cutare lua alta decizie, insa in cazul meu sunt un pic pierdut. Care e momentul care am deraiat tot traseul vietii mele ? A fost o decizie chiar atat de importanta incat am ajuns aici ? 

Multi ar spune ca ca este un motiv pentru fiecare decizie, pentru fiecare schimbare in viata ta. Ca fiecare despartire, fiecare alegere, fiecare schimbare are o cauza anume si ar trebui sa fii fericit cu rezultatul sau.

Ceea ce nimeni nu iti spune, este faptul ca nu orice alegere faci are si un rezultat potrivit pentru tine, este imposibil sa stii la momentul acela ce impact va avea pe viitor, ce traume poate lasa pentru tine insa si pentru alte persoane. Iar in momentul acela de egoism, poti sa comiti un act ce il vei cara cu tine tot restul vietii.

Si ajungi sa te intrebi, ce rost mai are? Oricum am ratat sansa vietii mele de a simti iubirea adevarata, ori de a face un pas important pentru o posibila cariera iar sansele ca acestea sa apara iarasi sunt destul de slabe si nu va fi niciodata acelasi lucru, cum ar fi prima iubire.

Karma, destin, ce naiba este ?
Privesc in jurul meu si ma vad plutind intr-un vartej continuu de monotonie, totul fara culoare, fara sunet, nici macar intuneric sau vreo raza de soare, pur si simplu inghetat in timp.
Inspir adanc si imi pun iar vesnica intrebare, ce naiba fac cu viata mea?
Cum stiu unii oameni incotro sa se indrepte ? E bine sa iti faci un plan pe termen lung si sa lucrezi toata viata la el, cu riscul sa ti-o iei in barba si sa fi fost totul degeaba, sau sa traiesti de pe o zi pe alta, sa faci ce iti taie prin cap si sa nu stii niciodata ce te asteapta peste ani si ani ...
Nu pot sa ma hotarasc, nu pot sa imi dau seama de nimic, nu pot sa gasesc acea scanteie care sa aprinda iar totul pentru mine, sa pot vedea clar dincolo de ceata din jurul meu.
Nu este cel mai sanatos lucru sa nu mai simti nimic, insa este sigur, pentru moment. Caci de fiecare data cand crezi ca ai gasit pe cineva in care poti avea incredere, ca cineva iti intinde o mana de ajutor, primeste o palma peste obraz si ca totul a fost o gluma, de ce o iei asa in serios ?
Ma ridic si privesc pe geam, soarele e pe cale sa apuna, cerul aproape ca arde. Inspir adanc iar in momentul acela stiu ca sunt pe cale sa iau o decizie stupida.
Noapte asta voi iesi afara ca un om superficial si depravat.