Chains

I wake up all of a sudden. I blink slowly, staring at the white ceiling. Judging from the intensity of the light in my room, I realize it’s morning already. Turning around, I find my cellphone and it reads 6:57AM.

Sigh... in three minutes the clock alarm will ring. I get up from my bed and I stand with my head between my hands, rubbing my face gently. I can feel it already; it will be one of those days.

And then I feel the pain again, the piercing pain in my chest. Sometimes it feels like a rock, other times like venom. I push my hand against it, I want to make it stop. To cut my insides with a knife and throw this rock out, to vomit it, anything it takes, just so it won’t hurt anymore.

The alarm rings and I hit the "Stop button“.

My head feels cloudy and my eyes hurt a bit, I haven’t had a good a good night of sleep in ages. I sit in my chair, open up my laptop and I begin my daily ritual: browsing the social networks and reading the news. It’s 7:15, time to get ready for work.

I brush my teeth, my face, then I dress myself up and I get out the door at 7:30, just in time to catch the bus.

At 7:40 the bus leaves as always, I put my earphones in, press "Play“ on my phone, listening to the same old songs and I fall asleep for the duration of the ride, waking up once in a while.

Forty minutes later I arrive at work, this building in the middle of nowhere. It’s sunny outside, skies are blue, birds are chirping and all that, however I’m not feeling any of it.

With a mopey look on my face, I walk in the office, saying "Good morning“ to all my colleagues.

Everyone responds to my greeting, I head to my desk where I open my computer and start setting everything up for this work day.

I look around to see my colleagues, each one with its own morning ritual and suddenly I feel the anxiety kicking in. My heartbeat rises, breathing intensifies and chest pounds harder than ever.

This is my everyday feeling.

I breathe deep and start working on my tasks. Nothing out of the ordinary. Every 5 minutes I look in the corner of my eye to see if the colleagues I usually hang out with, left for a coffee break yet.

They ask each other with loud voices if they’re ready to leave, yet they never asked me. After all these months, I still don’t feel like I truly belong here, yet I’ve started to accompany them on breaks or hangouts, whether they liked it or not. I guess my shyness never really bothered them, as most of the times I just sit there and smile at their jokes and stories.

I’ve bought my usual coffee, it’s not something I particularly enjoy, but it alright.

Again, the same stories from them about their days went by, TV shows they watch and so on. Of course, the question about why I’m so quiet comes up.

I never know what to answer, I got used to just shrug my shoulders, smile and hope they’ll change the subject.

People wandered sometimes what’s going on in my head. Sometimes they just thought that I’m just too stupid to say something or that I’ve behaving like an anti-social.

Whatever, I don’t care.

But sometimes I do.

It bothers me, this incapacity of mine to control my feelings and thoughts. I’ve always changed my mind about relatively small stuff, but when it comes to my inner thoughts, it’s a mess.

I’ve never felt so confused in my life about what I want, what it feels right for me.

There is one thought that stuck with me for the last couple of years: suicide.

I know, a very relatable and, frankly, a boring subject in this period.

Maybe I should do it this time. It’s my decision to make, I should be selfish for once.

No. Think about the people in your life, how they’re going to be affected by this.

Why should I? It’s my life, I get to do whatever I want with it.

Yes, but your meaning it’s to get the most of your life. Enjoy the little things, take risks, make memories.

Yes, this is but one example of what happens in my head, as I smile at one of your stories.

Once I’m back at my desk, the storm in my head begins. Clouds gather around my brain and no matter what I do, I just can’t snap out of it.

And so I begin to search for the easiest way to commit suicide. First result: pills. Why am I not surprised?

Which pills, what dosage, how can I be sure I won’t vomit them, that they will be lethal?

These are the answers I want, not quotes about how life is beautiful and psychologists recommendations.

Sighing, I move on to my next question. Where can I find a place to die, that no one will ever find my body? It seems like such place does not exist.

Ugh, why is it so difficult to do this? And why am I here? I should be in a deep cave, slashing my wrists and intoxicating myself with pills and alcohol.

Coward. Useless, spoiled brat.

I download a book, that hopefully I can relate to it. It’s about a woman so bored with her life that she decides to cheat on her husband and she has suicidal thoughts.

Ten pages into it, I can’t help but think "What a stupid book.“

I start browsing the internet, so I can take my mind of this haunting thought. But I should it, a bit of hurt for the peace I‘m longing for.

My psychologist asked me in my previous meetings "What is like to be happy? How will I know that I achieved what I want ?“

I didn’t know what to answer. All I know is that I want these thoughts out of my head and to feel at peace with myself. But happiness...

Exhaustion, restlessness, confusion, I got accustomed to them.

I open the drawer of my desk and I take out the meds for my treatment. These two white pills should calm the storm inside my head, however lately they’ve become pretty useless.

They’ve worked in the first weeks, but now I feel even more tired.

A couple of hours late, I’m home. Everything’s as usual, clothes thrown all around, empty bottles of water sitting around and snacks near my laptop.

After changing my clothes and eating something, I spend the next hours playing some computer games and listening to music.

I almost feel catatonic. I stare with a vacant look at my screen, not paying attention to what I’m doing.

My chest hurts again, and I want to scream.

This is not fair. I don’t deserve this.

Maybe I should do it after all ...

Automatically, I get in bed at 11:00 PM and I turn around, waiting to fall asleep.

My mind goes to places, skipping from one thought to another, imagining how it would feel like to just let it go already.

Perhaps one day I will be liberated, one way or another.

We will take you down with us

“Shh… stop struggling, your efforts are in vain.”
She had green eyes, full of tears, white skin that was bruised now and red lips that completed her angelic face. Muffled screams begged for survival as I kept strangling her and it was music to my ears.
My right hand was wrapped around her neck in a tight grip while I was exploring her body with my left one. Smooth skin, without imperfections and perfectly round breasts composed the body of a Greek goddess.
I was feeling immortal, having all this control over her life. Watching her with my eyes wide open and feeling thirsty for more power, I undressed myself and penetrated her with one powerful thrust. Her body convulsed in that moment, as I was succumbing to that wonderful feeling.
I was her God in that moment, her life was in my hands and I could decide the moment she would die. She was a weak human being, the weak lived to be devoured by the strong ones and that night I feasted.
Exhilarated, I kept thrusting inside of her, while looking at her as an animal would look at his prey. Her horrified face was asking me “Why, why is this happening to me?”. My lips curled in a big smile as I widened my eyes even more and I licked her lips, tasting the fear. There is nothing more thrilling than having your prey tremble in fear as you devour it.
“Are you scared? Do you wish you would just die already?” I started whispering into her ear. Her face was all red as I tightened my grip even more and streams of tears flooded her face.
“This is just the beginning of your hell tonight.” I said lastly, after knocking her out with one powerful hit.
She woke up later, slowly blinking. The realization of where she was quickly sunk into her, as she tried to scream again and move.
Unfortunately for her, this would not be possible.
I walked next to her, touching her body with my fingers. She was laying naked on a table, tied up and tubes inserted into her body to drain her blood.
“Your death will be a slow one, however it will just feel like falling asleep. You should be thankful for this, vermin.” I said as I was tracing the shape of her body. “You can struggle all you want, scream and beg for help.”
I took out the sock from out of her mouth and she gasped for air.
“Please God, help me!” she screamed, looking desperately around the room.
‘There is no God for you now! There is no one here to help you now. I AM YOUR ONLY GOD NOW!” I screamed, grabbing her face into my hands as I pressed my face against hers.
“I am the one you should be begging for mercy! I am the one you should be praying to!” I yelled, with bloodshot eyes, wide open.
I stuck the sock back into her mouth. Didn’t this common human being knew that her life was mine now? This weakling will soon learn her place into this world and serve her purpose.
She kept crying and tried to scream, not knowing why this world had forsaken her. I sighed in disgust looking at her, nobody will remember her miserable existence.
I sat in my chair, enjoying the process of her blood being drained into bottles. There was nothing more exquisite than watching life being taken away from someone, nothing more thrilling than knowing that you have control over what happens next, that with one press of a button you could save or kill.
Her struggle calmed eventually as she succumbed to her death. I unplugged all the tubes and lifted her body, taking it into my yard. The chilling night was in full effect, stars shinning into the dark sky and wind ruffling the trees’ leaves.
A hole was dug next to a tree and there I threw her body into it. She died like a weak human being, devoured by me and her body will be eaten by worms, leaving nothing for this world to remember of her existence. After burying her body, I went back inside where I collected the bottles full of blood.
The very essence of life rests into these containers. I slipped my finger inside one of the bottles then licked the blood off it. Chills ran down my spine and my heart drummed in an insane rhythm. Her fear, her wish to live were still lingering in her sweet blood. This ever powerful feeling that possessed me, I wanted more and more of it, to loose myself in it.
The next day I woke up as the sun shone into my room and the alarm clock rang. After washing my face, I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Was that the face of a monster or the face of a god? I could not decide, nor did I care, I was satisfied.
Afterwards I went out, to perform my chores and take care of my garden. My precious garden… with so many roses in it. These are the most beautiful roses, white with red stripes on the petals or blood stains, they stand out proud in my yard.
Taking the watering can, I began to water them. Only it wasn’t water that was coming out, instead it was blood. These plants would never have been so special with water, so my hunt for weak victims had a double meaning as it fulfilled my desire to dominate and kill and it created these wonderful plants.
Seeing these flowers tremble in the rain of blood that is pouring over them exhilarated me.
The chore was done shortly and I couldn’t help but feel pride for my creation. In one split second I lifted my head and saw a figure standing next to the fence of my yard. Taking a closer look I recognized the person immediately, the woman I killed last night.
She was standing still, staring right through me and asking: “Why? Why did I have to die? Answer me!”
Fear paralyzed me in an instant, this couldn’t be real. She was dead, I buried her with my own hands, she was rotting in my yard right now. I tried to mutter something and I moved my head for a second in the direction of her resting place, but the earth was still as I left it. When I looked back where her figure was standing, she was no longer there.
I was trembling with fear, this wasn’t right, maybe it was just a hallucination, I blamed her blood at that moment.
The night came soon as I kept myself busy writing the whole day to forget about what happened that morning and feeling more calm, I went to bed.
I made myself comfortable, trying to fall asleep and all of a sudden I felt a cold hand wrapped around my leg, dragging me out of the bed. I opened my eyes, shocked, looking around, trying to figure out what was happening, who was there.
Standing near my bad, I pressed my back against it, trying to see something in the darkness around me. Sweat was dripping down my face and I could hear my heartbeat when strong, neon lights hit my face, blinding me.
A hand covered my mouth all of in a split second and I couldn’t move. Her face was against mine and I could see her hollow eyes piercing my soul. I was petrified, I could taste the dirt as she pushed her hand even more against me and worms crawled inside my mouth.
“Where is your god now, predator?” she hissed in my ear, then licked the side of my face.
Cold chills were sent down my body, and I kept trembling, unable to move. This is how it felt to be powerless? To be prey and be consumed? But she was dead, I killed her!
My eyes were wide opened and I could feel the worms moving, making their way inside my body. She was gazing at me with a satisfied look, then the lights flashed again and she disappeared.
I started to breathe heavily and I looked around me, panicked and terrified that she still might be there.
Why was this happening? I consumed her, I soiled the dirt with her blood, her body was food for worms now!
I ran into the bathroom, staring at the mirror. There was no trace of her presence, no dirt, no worms, nothing. Was it all in my imagination? Was it real? I smashed the mirror, scratching my hand with the shards. Swearing and crying uncontrollably, I hurried into my garden, at the spot where I knew her body was buried.
I felt like I was going into a berserker state, shouting and unearthing her body with my bare hands. After hurling the earth and hurting my hands, I had found her body. Worms here moving in and out of her eyes and her skin was pale and from the smell, you could tell that she started to rot.
“You’re here, dead!” I screamed and started to laugh. “It was all in my head, you cannot hurt me!”.
I spitted on her body then I buried her again. After that, I went back into my house, feeling satisfied yet very confused. Standing in the middle of my house, I felt many presences around and as I looked around, I saw all of them standing in a circle around.
All the women I’ve ever killed.
They were there, standing still and looking at me with rotten eyes, eaten flesh. The smell of decay was all around me, I felt intoxicated.
In a moment of madness, I took a can of gasoline and sprayed a circle around me and lit it. Fire surrounded me, lighting the room and they took a step back.
“Ha! You cannot touch me, vermin! I won, I will live forever, marking this world and getting rid of weaklings!” I started to shout crazily. I was shaking, feeling the smoke choking me and the flames drawing closer and closer to me.
In that instant I saw their faces smile and I realized that that was what they wanted, for me to be burnt at stake.



Epilogue

The next day on the streets of Halley, a strong breeze was carrying a newspaper. As it finally settled, on the main page, the article read:
“A huge tragedy occurred last night in the city asylum, as fire engulfed the entire building, burning it to ashes. There were no survivors as all 5 caretakers and 25 patients died in this arson. It is believed that the fire originated from the room of renowned criminal, Axel Casen, known to have murdered 15 women, becoming this way the most feared person this country ever known. Authorities are still investigating how this incident took place and how this psychopath retrieved the items to start the arson.”